Why didn’t you tell me “good boy”?
That was the question my 3-year-old toddler asked me one morning.
He just finished his breakfast and kept refusing my request for him to take his plate to the kitchen.
I left him after a few minutes and went ahead to continue doing my chores.
A few minutes later, I was coming from my bedroom and didn’t see the plates where he had eaten his meal, so I went to the kitchen and he was there.
I asked, Have you brought your plate to the kitchen?, he said “ Yes, “ and I replied immediately, “That’s good”.
I dropped the things I was holding in my hand on the counter and was about to exit the kitchen when he stopped me with a question, “Mummy, you didn’t tell me good boy?”I wasn’t surprised he asked that question, but nevertheless, I asked him a question in return, “Why should I tell you good boy?”
He couldn’t answer me, and even though I knew what I was supposed to say to him at that moment, I couldn’t say anything because my thoughts had spiralled to my childhood
I slowly went back to my room and started ruminating on my past, through my life as a three-year-old, just like my son.
I grew up with so many expectations placed on me, and even though I knew they were from a place of love and my parents didn’t know better, it did go on to affect me in negative ways throughout most of my life so far.
As a child, the default compliment that I always got was “good girl”, “mine” as my mom would mostly call me or “Fe Fe” as my dad usually called me.
These kinds of compliments will come when I do something that pleases them or when I pass in school. For that day and the next few days, I will be the favourite child of the family.
But the same cannot be said for whenever I do something wrong, or don’t get perfect scores or position in school. Instead, the situation will be flipped. I will have to try to please my parents for the next couple of days to shift from the new title.
Between my siblings and me, it was always a constant competition of who would be the most favoured child.
For my parents, the only way they knew to train me to be an exceptional child they would be proud of was to compliment me when I do good and criticise and compare me when I do badly or do something they don’t like.
This was how they were respectively brought up; this was how the people in their circle brought up their children. This was the Ideal way to train a child to become a better person in society. if there’s anything else, then it will be spending money on them and spending money to put them in the best schools around.
In today’s world, this is not how to bring up a child, any child raised in such situations will grow up as a people pleaser and someone who is constantly under the pressure to prove their worth and children with parents’ trauma.
We see this reality everywhere and even in ourselves, and it’s no news that the mental health space will continue to grow.
Alhamdulillah, the world is advancing now, and there are ways to heal from these traumas or carry them differently so you won’t contribute to the generational trauma and instead break the pattern.
When I became a mom, I made a vow to myself to bring up my children differently, to not make them compete against each other and to raise children who will be emotionally intelligent and healthy.
To actualise this dream, I started learning about intentional parenting, I joined several masterclasses and followed several parenting coaches on Instagram.
One advice that seems to be everywhere is to not compliment children with good boy and good girl when they do something good, and instead compliment the action itself.
At first, these didn’t make sense especially as that same phrase they were advising against, was my default compliment for my children, after doing research and reflections, I was shocked to discover that despite not using abusive words or comparative words between my children, I was using a language that will contribute a great deal to their self perception.
The way this affects them is that, instead of seeing their actions as good or bad, they see themselves as the good or bad child, and this isn’t true.
The natural fitrah that every child is born with is pure heart and soul.
Every child is born with true fitrah (faith)
(sahih bukhari 1358)
We came into this world with a pure heart, as an innocent and good child. However, whatever we are exposed to goes on to change that situation.
Which means that what changes us is the decisions we make or don’t make and the actions we take or don’t, but when people attach our persona to the outcome of these actions and decisions, for many, this will create a belief that that’s who they are and that can’t be changed.
This affected me as a child in multiple ways, and one question that continuously came up for me then was, “Am I a bad child?” and my answer now as an adult mum trying to parent intentionally while staying sane; “I am not a bad child, I was a child who couldn’t express my emotions without being reprimanded, I was a child who is scared of making others feel bad even if doing that will make me feel bad, I was a child who will sometimes forget my mum send me and go run my personal errand, I was a child who just don’t want to wash the clothes and would rather read a novel instead, the list goes on and on.
This article isn’t about my parents; they were the best thing that happened to me as a child. They sacrificed a lot to put me through school, yes, they were harsh sometimes, but that is just how they know how to parent. That was the parenting blueprint they had. We had so many beautiful memories of laughter and tears together, and that is just how life with real humans works.
Everyone has their challenges. I’m still affected by some of the things that happened back then, but that doesn’t make them bad. They gave what they had, and they did it with all their heart.
Now that I am an adult, it is my responsibility to learn how to parent intentionally and change the narrative. The world has evolved since their era there are ways to learn and be better now. We are no longer living in the era of ignorance.
Sometimes the things we don’t pay attention to go on to create a ripple effect in our lives.
If you struggled as a child, too, and maybe somehow you are not yet able to heal past that experience and move on, I want you to know this,
It’s okay to be sad about your childhood. It’s okay to feel the hurt. You are not a victim, you are a survivor.
Your childhood experience doesn’t have to define your future.
The journey of healing is not a race track; you are allowed to make slow progress. The most important thing is that you are taking action to become better, feel better, live better, and meet Allah with a pure heart and soul.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my musings. It means a lot to me.